Serving Portland and surrounding suburbs.
Central Oregon and other areas by arrangement.
by Rev. Dr. Terri Daniel - Portland Wedding Officiant
The process of planning a wedding creates a perfect opportunity for personalities, expectations, belief systems and neuroses to clash loudly. This is especially true for a traditional wedding with all the trimmings. The seeds of discord are planted early, beginning with a bride who always dreamed of a fairy tale wedding, and taking root in the fertile soil of family dynamics, religious dogma and fragile friendships. These issues are easy to identify, hence this list of the top ten Portland wedding mistakes. After 30 years as a wedding officiant, I've seen it all.
Core Issues
I've observed how these issues can expose the seedy underside of the wedding industry. They can also unearth long-buried family demons and weak links in a couple’s relationship. For the majority of young couples, coordinating the details of a major social event can be nerve-wracking at best, catastrophic at worst. Some couples may have acquired experience in event planning through their jobs, or have a knack for it due to an innate natural talent. But by far, most are lost in foreign territory without a compass.
You're the Director and Producer
I often tell couple to imagine this scenario... You've been hired to produce a movie, stage play. You’ll have to manage the cast and a crew (wedding guests and vendors), the budget (ar smaller than you’d like), the timeline (at least six months pre-production). You're also in charge of the script (the wedding ceremony). There are props (rings, cake, etc.), costumes, and a set (décor, flowers, venue). As the producer, you'll manage catering, insurance, payroll, lighting, photography and transportation. Did I mention that you'll need excellent negotiation and conflict resolution skills? Don’t forget the co-star and his entourage (groom and groomsmen). And of course the diva and star of the show, THE BRIDE, who often shows up with superstar-sized demands and expectations.
With all that the hands of an inexperienced producer, it’s little wonder so many things can go wrong. Unlike hundreds of wedding articles you’ve read in magazines and websites, I'm going to share ten common mistakes that you aren’t likely to find anywhere else. Because they’re under-the-surface, backstage observations from wedding professionals -- like me -- who’ve seen it all.
Top Ten Portland Wedding Mistakes
Mistake # 10: Two Critical Issues – Directions and Timing
Listed in order of weight and consequence, from the menial (#10) to the momentous (#1), the top ten Portland wedding mistakes are:
This is actually a double tip, because directions and timing go hand-in-hand. You cannot imagine how many weddings start late because a good number of guests still haven’t arrived. This usually happens because the wedding was in an obscure location and no directions were included with the invitation. Guests drive around trying to find the place, and they arrive not only late, but frustrated and edgy. So please, if your wedding is at an exclusive mountain retreat or in the middle of a big city with bad signage, include clear directions with a number to call if someone gets lost. And a start time 30 miniutes earlier than you actually want to begin. For more on this, click HERE.
Mistake #9: Not Planning for the Heat of an Outdoor Summer Wedding
I have officiated dozens of outdoor weddings in August where the bride and groom forgot one important word: shade. The summer sun can be brutal, and even at 6 or 7 pm, temperatures can still be in the high 80s.
It's Not Cool to Be Too Hot
You don't want to find yourself standing in front of the officiant, sweating under a blazing sun and looking out at your guests who are wilting and miserable. I promise, you’ll regret that you didn’t spend the extra money for a tent or a canopy, preferably with fans or some sort of air conditioning. The bride’s make-up will be dripping down her face and her dress will show soaked armpits in the wedding photos. Imagine the poor groom and his attendants, wearing tuxedos! Flies will be buzzing around the melting wedding cake. The ice behind the bar will also be melting, as will the spirits of your guests. Eating, dancing and drinking will be seriously hampered if people are physically uncomfortable. And for some people, extended exposure to heat can be a health risk.
The Trees Want to Help
If you want to marry outdoors in a hot climate, do it early in the morning, in the spring or fall, or under the trees. If there isn’t enough shade, rent an air-conditioned tent. Do some research to learn the best way to orient the event so it’s not blasted by the sun at your chosen time of day. Keep coolers full of water handy, and make sure that the restroom facilities are close by and easy to access. This is especially important if you have very old or very young people present.
Mistake # 8: Not Handling Paperwork in Advance
The last thing you want on your wedding day is to deal with administrative tasks. Reviewing invoices and writing checks is not very romantic, but this is a simple problem to solve. Write all the checks in advance, put them in envelopes for the various vendors, and delegate someone responsible to handle these transactions for you. And here’s a really important hint… get this all handled before the ceremony. You’ll be too busy, too elated and possibly too drunk afterward to focus on such mundane matters.
Mistake # 7: No Microphone at an Outdoor Wedding
Unless you’re having only ten people at your outdoor wedding that will be standing in a tight circle around you, you will need a microphone. If you get married at the beach with the pounding surf just a few yards away, it is guaranteed that nobody will hear a word you say.
Get a sound system, no matter how much it costs.
If the wedding is in a quiet park or a back yard, go to the site in advance to test the need for amplification. One of you stand where you will be standing during the ceremony, and the other where the farthest guest will be seated. Speak in a normal tone of voice. Can the farthest guest hear you? If not, you’ll need a microphone. If there’s wind or water (even the sound of a backyard waterfall can cause problems), you'll need to be amplified. Your DJ can help with this. If the wedding is at a restaurant, hotel or other public place, microphones will usually be provided. Double check just to be sure.
# 6: Not Planning for Traffic Flow
A social hour before the ceremony is a great idea. If guests will be mingling when they arrive rather than going directly to their seats, make sure they have a comfortable space for doing so. Will they have to stand, or will there be seating? Standing for more than ten minutes at a time is miserable for older people and for women wearing high heels. Will they be in the hot sun or a potential rainstorm? Provide shade or shelter. It’s also advisable to make refreshments available, but save the alcohol for later.
Who Goes Where?
Will the bride be mingling with the crowd before the wedding, or will she be sequestered in another area? In a hotel with the guests in the garden and the bride in a room on the 14th floor, be sure the organizerse on the ground can communicate with them. Generally, either the officiant, the wedding coordinator or a friend should act as a messenger between the “stage” and the “dressing room.” It’s important that key players know the exact moment when the processional is ready to begin so that they can cue the music. It is quite awkward when the music comes in too early or too late because the timing of the processional isn’t communicated and executed efficiently.
The Reception
Figure out where people will go after the ceremony concludes. After the recessional, guests expect to file out behind the wedding party, but they have no idea where to go. Will there be a receiving line in which guests move past the bridal party on their way out? If not, will they go straight to the reception, or to the bar for pre-reception cocktails? Make a decision about this and then be sure it’s clearly communicated. Your officiant can announce it during the recessional.
#5: Micro-Management Misery
Here's my best-kept secret for keeping your sanity while planning a wedding... Delegate, delegate, delegate! There’s a reason why brides and grooms have attendants. They are there to help and support you, not just to hang out and party. So don’t hesitate to give them important jobs. And then allow them to take the wheel.
Delegate the Right Person
Is there any reason why the best man or M.O.B. (mother of the bride) can’t handle tasks for you? These folks WANT to help, so let them. They can coordinate transportation for out-of-town guests, work with the caterer to make sure there are enough gluten-free meals, and more. The goal is to eliminate as many stressors as possible, so instead of freaking out about flower arrangements, let somebody else do it. Put a trusted friend in charge of items that do not require your full attention. Even better, if your budget allows, hire a professional wedding coordinator who will assume the vast majority of those tasks.
On the big day, choose an outgoing, organized friend to be your personal assistant. He or she can run last-minute errands, manage parking, greet guests as they arrive and help with staging details. This person can also be the keeper of documents, personal items, payments to vendors and other annoyances that a bride and groom will be far too distracted to address.
#4: Expecting the Groom to Care about Stuff That Means Nothing to Him
I know this sounds sexist, but I will say it anway, because I've seen it way too many times. If this is a traditional straight couple, most young brides are obsessed with wedding planning, and most young grooms couldn’t care less. To lower stress levels when planning a wedding, respect the three A’s: Accept, Allow and Adjust.
Most grooms are great at going with the flow and relinquishing control. This makes most brides very unhappy. Brides constantly complain about their grooms not caring about wedding details. A typical conversation looks something like this:
BRIDE: When do you think we should release the doves?
GROOM: What doves? There are doves?
BRIDE (pouting): Honeeeeyyyy… we talked about this.”
Apparently they’d had a discussion about doves at some point, but he wasn’t listening. Because he really doesn't care.
Brides, Listen Up
Again, I know this will sound sexist, but... Most straight men don’t give a hoot about the color of the tablecloths, nor do they care if your mother prefers to wear purple or green. They just want to get it overwith. Yes, he loves you and wants to marry you. That’s why he’s doing this. That’s the ONLY reason. The rest is just fluff.
Give grooms tasks that are reasonable and appropriate for their skills and interest levels. Put them in charge of working with the DJ to choose the music or making sure the spigot on the beer keg isn’t clogged up. If the groom is really organized, he might even be able to coordinate tuxedo rentals for himself and his posse. But anything more than that will put him on overload. That’s just the way it is, and it isn’t going to change. Learn this now and don’t spend the next 60 years trying to fight it.
Mistake # 3: Putting Perfection and Tradition above Meaningful Self-Expression
Most brides, especially the young ones, cling to traditions without even knowing why. They want the big wedding dress, the garter toss, the father giving them away, etc. They want a slew of archaic rituals and superstitions -- such as not being seen by the groom before the wedding -- even though they’ve been living together for five years.
Make it Count
Weddings are a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity foryou to make a declaration of love, commitment and independence. It's a statement of your commitment to one another, and a ritual that marks your new role in society. It's a rare moment in which you stand before a captive audience and express the essence of who you are and how tyou perceive your place in the world. This is not an opportunity to be taken lightly.
Symbols Have Power
But the power of symbolism and ritual can get lost when fleeting concerns like catering menus and clothing details become more important than heartfelt ideals. The process becomes an even greater ordeal when you add family politics into the mix. Things will go wrong.
This is an important life lesson, and an excellent preview of the realities of marriage. When you start believing in the fantasy that life is supposed to be perfectly flawless for this one special day, then you have gone beyond the boundaries of rational thought.
Let go of the quest for perfection. This day should represent married life and therefore should have some flaws that you will be called upon to handle with grace and wisdom.
Mistake # 2: Not Caring About the Content of Your Ceremony
While a couple may love the idea of a traditional white wedding, it’s still possible to create a ceremony that reflects your personal values and spiritual perspective. The biggest mistake made by many couples is thinking that the wedding, with all its pomp and paraphernalia, is not separate from the ceremony. This could not be farther from the truth.
Even in a traditional structure where the bride spends the night before the wedding at a separate location and her dad "gives her away" she can still make a personal statement when it comes to the ceremony content.
It’s easy. Just open up to expressing your own ideas about EVERYTHING. Write your own vows, have a friend read poetry or sing a song. Invoke energies from other religions or cultures that resonate with you. Involve friends and family in the ceremony by having them say a few words or participate in simple rituals. A good wedding officiant who truly respects you as individuals will be happy to help you craft a ceremony that has true personal meaning.
Do This, Don't Do That
What I don’t want you to do is stand there like a mannequin while I mumble a bunch of tired old words that don’t reflect your own personal spark. Unless you’re having a very formal religious ceremony, the content should be profound, but also fun. It should inspire a whole range of emotions, from spiritual reverence to goofy humor. And remember to look at each other during the ceremony, not at ME. You are free to smile, giggle, cry, whisper to one another, crack jokes… whatever you like. You don’t have to be formal or stiff. Make it fun, but most importantly, connect with each other through eye contact. If you can’t look into each other in the eyes during these sacred moments, you probably shouldn’t be committing to spending the rest of your lives together.
Portland Wedding Officient
Mistake # 1 – Not Spending Time Together Immediately Before the Ceremony
Wedding traditions, like all traditions, are not set in stone. There is no rule, law or scary taboo against altering those traditions to fit your preferences. Start by giving yourself permission to step outside convention. For example, tradition dictates that it's "bad luck" for the bride and groom to see each other on their wedding day prior to the ceremony. Have you ever wondered where this idea came from? It has to do with religious traditions in which the groom didn't know who the bride was until her veil was raised during the ceremony. So why do modern couples -- most of whom already live together -- insist on playing 'hide the bride?"
Because it's Always Been That Way
And nobody thinks to question it. If you and your partner are rational adults who've been intimate for years, why wouldn't you want to spend every moment of that day together? Wake up in the morning and go for a walk on the beach. Take a bath together and wash each other's feet. Have breakfast in bed. Have sex. Do whatever feels loving, intimate and natural to you. This is a celebration of intimacy, not a denial of it.
Your wedding day should be sacred, romantic and spiritual. Don't allow superstitious traditions or family pressures to take that away from you. Parents or other family members may want to take charge and tell you how it's "supposed" to be (especially if they're footing the bill). So set boundaries and state preferences right from the start. Call a meeting of all involved and lay your cards on the table about your vision of the event. It’s your vision, it’s your day, and it’s your marriage.
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Portland Wedding Advice
Rev. Dr. Terri Daniel
