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Portland Wedding Advice
How to Give Up Control and Truly Enjoy Your Wedding
Portland Wedding Advice and Words of Wisdom
by Rev. Dr. Terri Daniel
Back in the early 1990s, while working as the travel editor for a bridal magazine, I learned a lot when I came across a term called "bridal tyranny." I fell in love with this expression because it had been a year in which I'd been a bridesmaid in four different weddings. I disliked each of these experiences immensely. Thirty years later, I feel well qualified to impart valuable Portland wedding advice.
After each of those horrible weddings, I vowed never to do it again. In fact, driving home from one of these torturous events, I angrily removed my requisite dyed satin pumps (a nauseating shade of peach), and hurled them out the car window. They landed on somebody's lawn.
Bridal tyranny. Better known as The Bridezilla Syndrome
This condition strikes brides regardless of chronological age or the emotional maturity they exhibit in other aspects of their lives. It's more common in younger brides, though I've seen 45 year-olds transform into control freaks when planning their nuptials. This rarely happens to men. I have yet to hear of a groom having a fit over flower arrangements. But I've seen something close (click here for my story on groomzillas).
Portland Wedding Advice
Why It's Important To Give Up Control
Weddings are a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make a declaration of love, commitment and independence. It's a statement of commitment to one another and to mark a new role in society as a married couple.
But it's also a chance to express the essence of who they are and their place in the world. This is not to be taken lightly. It's a privilege. And every action, every word and every symbol counts.
Embrace Romance and Ritual, but Give Up Perfectionism
The power of ritual gets lost when fleeting concerns like catering and clothing become more important than heartfelt ideals. And the whole process really becomes an ordeal when family politics enter the mix. When you start believing that life can be flawless for one day, you've gone beyond the boundaries of rational thought.
My recommendation... let go of the quest for perfection. If anything in your wedding causes stress or discomfort, get rid of it.
It Does Not Have To Be
A "Perfect" Day
At Ed and Barbara's wedding, an uncontrollable turn of events resulted in the caterers not showing up. The ceremony began on time, but there was no food for the reception. They ended up ordering pizza to feed 75 people. While some might consider this a disaster. Ed and Barbara see it as a precious memory.
At my own back yard wedding in 1987, it began to rain in the middle of the ceremony. My husband and I laughed with joy at the cosmic beauty of this, and the guests felt the same way. The caterers had to move indoors, and it was a crush inside the small living room of the house. Did we care? Nope. Nobody did. In the grand scheme of things, it was perfect.
During a wedding everybody gets so caught up in the moment that the little details that mattered yesterday suddenly mean nothing. Most couples go into a sort of unconscious stupor during their wedding ceremonies. It's a combination of stage fright and emotional overwhelm. When this happens, I guarantee you won't care about what color shoes the bridesmaids are wearing.
Pick Your Battles... and Heed my Portland Wedding Advice!
The control people try to exert over others reaches obsessive proportions when it comes to weddings. At the wedding of Wendy and Harold, the bride insisted that bridesmaids wear identical pearl stud earrings. To guarantee compliance, Wendy bought said earrings as gifts for her attendants. The dresses she chose for her friends were of a stomach-churning vomit-orange hue. She also insisted they wear the same color pantyhose with their matching satin pumps (it was 1988... women wore pantyhose then). The girls were expected to pay for their own dresses and shoes ($250… a fortune in 1988). One of the bridesmaids was seven months pregnant and was miserable wearing heels.
Sure be a Diva...But don't be a dictator
This kind of dictatorship can alienate even the most devoted friends. The dress you choose for your bridesmaids may look great on a friend who has the body of a supermodel. But how will it look on your friend who's 60 pounds overweight?
Your friends are mature individuals with unique personalities and identities. Why try to make them look all the same? A flock of virginal maidens dressed like pastel flowers may work if they're tall, thin and in their 20s. But in the real world, women are strong and independent, and they have bodies to match. Ultimately, honoring their individuality makes an important statement about you.
Assert Your Individuality
Don't be afraid to disregard tradition when it comes to the people in your wedding party. I've seen weddings where the flower girl was a 6-foot-5 man, and the best man was a woman. I've seen brides dressed in black, groomsmen in sarongs, dogs as ring bearers, and even totally nude weddings. Anything goes.
Location. Location. Location.
Those of us who came of age in the 1960s and 70s remember nature weddings -- in unusual outdoor environments -- as the flavor of the week. Many of us have attended at least one wedding under a full moon in the forest or on an isolated beach. For those who preferred to live by common sense rather than tradition, sneakers and a warm jacket replaced chiffon dresses and tuxedos as we trekked through mud and sand.
Natural locations are wonderful. But consider the comfort of elders, kids and others who may not be able to manage a hike down a steep canyon trail.
The Best Hippie Weddings from the 1970s
Back in 1974 I attended two memorable hippie weddings, which inspired me to become a wedding officiant myself. One wedding was held deep in the forest, and although the ceremony was beautiful, it was a hassle carrying in food, tables and other necessities.
The other was on a high cliff overlooking the sea in northern California. The guests watched the bride and groom arrive from across the grassy moors on a motorcycle. He was driving and she was on the back, her purple veil fluttering in the wind behind her. After the ceremony we walked back to the couples' rustic home a few hundred yards from where the wedding had been. It was much easier having the reception in a place with running water.
The Content VS The Form
While you may love the idea of a traditional white wedding, even within that structure you can still improvise on the ceremony content. Consider alternatives, such as writing your own vows, having a friend read some poetry, or inviting nd family ito say a few words.
One couple did something that I loved so much I ended up using it in my own wedding ceremony. They put their rings into a little basket, and as part of the ceremony, passed the basket around to guests. Each guest was asked to touch and bless the rings in their own way before handing them back to the bride and groom. If a wedding is about declaring your love to the world, then why not include the world in the ceremony?
The Best Form
Another question of form has to do with how the bride, groom and officiant are physically positioned. A common mistake is for couples to stand facing the officiant with their backs to the audience. This configuration originates in religious ceremonies where the minister is considered a channel for God and the couple looks to him for authority. But that is a very formal and and very religious tradition.
I see myself as nothing more than a disembodied voice during the ceremony. My words are there solely to express the ideas given to me by the couple and to create a focus for the audience. The couple is the true authority, and I prefer that my couples face each other during the ceremony, with deep unwavering eye contact. If they can't look each other directly in eye, they shouldn't be getting married.
Portland Wedding Advice
A Word About Religion
If you're reading this article, then chances are you're interested in a non-religious wedding ceremony. I specialize in working with younger couples who don't want to marry within the confines of their parents' religion. Even when the parents are pressuring them to do so.
This is the one of most stressful circumstances imaginable. If it's not addressed right away it can become a lifelong problem. I've worked with couples who were brilliant at setting boundaries and saying NO to religious rituals that had no personal significance to the them. And I've also seen ouples who caved in to parental pressure and regretted it forever.
Some Examples
Christine and Alan lived out of state but had their wedding in California because Christine's parents live there and were paying for everything. I worked with this lovely couple to create exactly the ceremony they wanted, and things were going well.
Until they arrived in California one week before the wedding.
They were staying at the Christine's parents' house, and I sensed a problem when they weren't returning my phone calls, with the wedding only a few days away. Finally, the night before the wedding, Alan called me, miserable and dejected. He told me that Christine's mother had talked them into marrying in her church. They wouldn't be needing my services after all, Alan said, and apologized profusely. He felt so bad that he sent me a check for my entire fee the following week, with more apologies.
Express Your Independence
This couple put more value on the trappings of the wedding than on the their personal ideals. There is a deep soul injury when this happens. I teach couples to respect the the power of ritual… it focuses intention, directs energy toward the thing we're trying to create, and helps manifest that creation. Stating vows and declaring intent under a structure with which you have no affinity compromises the integrity of the ritual.
In another example in which the couple did the opposite of Christine and Alan, one set of parents was Mormon and the other was Catholic. The couple, Randy and Ellen, had abandoned the religions of their families long ago. But now that they were marrying, the pressure was on. However, they recognized how important it was for them to make their declaration of independence, and went forward with their non-religious wedding. It was held in the back yard of a friend's house, and I was the offiicant.
The groom's parents (Mormon) reluctantly attended the wedding, but stayed indoors during the actual ceremony, unwilling to actually witness it. The bride's parents showed up and were surprised at how non-offensive the ceremony actually turned out to be.
Remember Why You're Doing This
Wedding traditions, like all traditions, are not set in cement, and there is no rule, law or scary cultural taboo against altering them to fit your needs. Start by giving yourself permission to step outside convention.
For example, tradition dictates that it's "bad luck" for the bride and groom to see each other on their wedding day prior to the ceremony. Have you ever wondered where this idea came from? It's quite ancient, and has to do with arranged marriages and religious traditions in which the groom often didn't know who the bride was until her veil was raised during the ceremony. So why do modern couples -- most of whom already live together -- insist on playing 'hide the bride?"
Throw Tradition Out the Window
Because that's the way it's always been done, and nobody thinks to question it. But if you believe that the day of your wedding is one of the most meaningful and spiritual days of your life, and you and your partner are rational adults who've been intimate for years, why wouldn't you want to spend every moment of that day together?
Wake up in the morning and go for a walk on the beach (or whatever you normally do on leisurely mornings), and then take a bath together and wash each other's feet. Have breakfast in bed. Have sex. Do whatever feels loving and intimate and natural to you.
Your wedding day should be sacred, romantic and spiritual.
Don't allow antiquated traditions or family pressures to take that away from you. Parents or other family members may want to take charge and tell you how it's "supposed" to be (especially if they're footing the bill), so set boundaries and state preferences right from the start by calling a meeting of all involved and laying your cards on the table about your vision of the event. Then let the negotiations begin.
Keeping Yourself Sane
If I had to give only one single piece of advice to brides, it would be to delegate responsibility. The last thing you should be doing on your wedding day is worrying about paying the photographer or wondering if the canapes are looking a bit limp on the buffet table. Put your maid of honor, your mother or a trusted friend in charge of these things. Write the checks for vendors in advance and give them to someone whom you've named as money manager for the day. Appoint a few friends to act as "social ambassadors" who can help with hosting duties by greeting guests as they arrive, introducing people to one another and making sure everybody's comfortable.
Keeping Yourself Sane
When you start shopping around for vendors (flowers, venues, cake, etc.) be aware that many business mark up their normal prices for weddings. Take a look at this video on wedding mark-ups.
Wedding Coordination Tips
If your budget allows, hire a professional wedding coordinator who will assume the vast majority of the planning and execution responsibilities. If you can't afford one, assign these tasks to an organized, outgoing friend. This same friend may also be able to help with other social necessities, such as:
- Greeting people as they arrive and showing them to their seats.
- Table-hopping, introducing themselves and providing introductions for others.
- Facilitating activities, such as letting people know that it's time to move into an adjacent room for the cake-cutting, or inviting everybody to start making toasts or speeches.
- Music coordinator - maintaining communication with the band or emcee to handle special requests, relaying information, scheduling toasts & presentations.
- Detail management - Handling the little hassles that occur, such as running out of wine or the sudden appearance of rain at an outdoor wedding, and a thousand other unpredictable mini-crises.
- Acting as your personal assistant and messenger. The band leader might want to know if you'd like them to stay an extra hour (for additional cost). Or you might need to get a message to the kitchen or settle a bill with the valet parking guys.
The best thing you can do for yourself on your wedding day is to shed as many stressors as possible. Be happy. Be calm. Be close to your partner. Remember that this is about you and the person you've chosen to spend your life with, and this is the first day of that life.
Remember to breathe. Remember why're you're doing this. But most of all, remember to have fun!
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Portland Wedding Advice
Rev. Dr. Terri Daniel
